I feel sick.
I left work in a rush. Came home, via changing the Christmas lights extension set I accidentally bought instead of a Christmas lights starter kit (with wall plug). I thought about getting a falafel wrap but the shop looked busy so I decided to go to the supermarket quickly instead. I bought a caramelised onion dip , fresh spinach and an m&ms chocolate bar. I took the lift to my flat on the top floor, dumped my stuff and quickly ate the chocolate bar, dipping 2 pieces in peanut butter. I added the lights to the already decorated Christmas tree, getting slightly flustered as they were tangled and it is hard to decorate a tree which already had baubles on. I slowed down half way through and started to enjoy circling the tree and rearranging the lights to sit behind the baubles.
Not hungry but restless I decided to have dinner. I microwaved 3 frozen falafels and had them with the dip (which I won’t be buying again), spinach leaves, some toast, olive oil and parmesan. I ate quickly in front of a Ben Stiller film about a father who is questioning his life choices as his son is going off to University. Half way through I defrosted a blueberry muffin and ate it with more peanut butter and some cooking chocolate drops which melted slightly on the warm muffin. Near the end I pause the film to go outside for a cigarette which hurt my throat and made me feel a bit sick, especially on top of the muffin which I didn’t need. I come back inside and finish the film and then open my laptop and start writing this.
What am I running from? What am I hiding from behind food? Cigarettes? Myself I think. The quiet. Whilst I had my cigarette I looked over the ledge from my flat. If I jumped would this be high enough? I think about googling it but decide not too. It’s a thought I’ve had recently. Even though I recently moved into this flat which I love and I met a girl who I love and am very happy with.
Why do I feel like this then? Because I never feel enough. I feel like I am failing. I feel disgusted by my lack of control around food. I feel like my job, whilst fun and relaxed, is easy and pointless and a waste of time. I work as a marketing manager and I write healthy recipes for the (food) company and take pictures of them.
I listen to podcasts, like Oprah, on finding your calling and the meaning of life. I don’t know what mine is. Do I have one? I like cooking and learning about photography, but not overly. Sometimes I think I’d like to write, hence this. Mostly I feel like I don’t care about anything enough and so what is the point.
What is the point if I am gay and don’t want kids. Kids give your life meaning but I’m not bothered. My partner is amazing and deserves someone happier. Sometimes I am happy though, when we are together, when I’m hiking or lost in an activity. But when I have time to be in my head I often hate myself.
I’m a small size 8 – 10 but I hate my body. I hate my belly, often bloated from sugar, caffeine and anxiety. I’m slim but I wear loose clothes because I don’t like my figure and I don’t want anyone to see my stomach. If I wear jeans where I can feel my stomach it makes me feel sick. I want to hide away and not see anyone.
What’s happened to me? I don’t really know. My mum is vain as is my Dad but I can’t blame them for my self-loathing anymore. I need to take responsibility for myself, and my thoughts. Meditation helps and journaling I think and walking and running. I should do all those things more. But when I’m feeling pointless I can’t find the energy.
I know my parents don’t understand me or like me living in Australia and dating a girl. Especially Mum. We were so close, I wanted them to be proud of me and now they don’t call and when they do it is awkward. I can’t forget some of the nasty things she has said about my choices. Deep down I have this feeling that she isn’t good for me to have in my life. She makes me feel bad about myself and I don’t need more of that. But she’s my mum and I love her. It makes me sad to speak to her but anxious when I do. I don’t know what the solution is. And it has been so much change in 2 years. It hasn’t sunk in for me yet. I’m grieving for my parents who are still alive. It’s fucked.
What next then. My psych helps. When I told him I was feeling suicidal 2 weeks ago he told me to do 2 small things. Open up to people and show my vulnerability and do things that I enjoy. I told my girlfriend and a few close friends I have been feeling low, and I booked a massage and bought some nice Aesop stuff. It did help a little bit actually but I do feel slightly like a burden.
We then tried to unpack it. I said I felt like I had no purpose. Before, I was unhappy, but I knew why so I made changes. I left a relationship, closed my business down, moved abroad and started dating girls. All changes that I felt were important and true to me. But now I’m here, in a nice job, with a girlfriend I love, in a city which suits me, but that low feeling has returned. That lack of energy and feeling of pointlessness. I think we got to the core of it though. My father was hugely successful and I put myself under a lot of pressure to do something independently of that, for myself, and to make him proud. I always felt so lucky, like a brat. But really, I am happy doing a bit less, with time to read, relax, see friends and do nothing with Lottie. But there is a conflict between this inner relaxed, quieter self and the striving do do do er. If I could just remember that I am actually fine and happy and living a life which is true to me, perhaps I could relax.
I feel like I need to help people, as I’ve had it easy and I genuinely want to. But I can do that in small ways every day, by being present with my colleagues and friends. I can do volunteer work on the side if I want but I don’t need to put myself under so much pressure. I can breathe, and relax a little.
I need to learn to enjoy being on my own again, not scared of myself. Sit here, in the quiet, read, or just relax, not always fill my head with noise. Be, in the gaps. I’ll tidy the kitchen now, use my new aesop stuff and do a little meditation. I think writing this has helped a bit.