Do you ever get lonely?

I used to be so busy all the time. And it was too much. So I simplified my life. But now, there are these vast holes I don’t know what to fill with. I could go to the gym or make social plans, but I can’t always be bothered. I could go for a walk, but I can’t be bothered. Maybe I shout get a dog to fill the void.

What’s going to happen in the future if I already feel like this. The lump of emptiness. I don’t really feel like I am complete alone. Being with people is a distraction. I feel happiest when I am with my partner but they are not always there.

I don’t want kids, but I suppose kids would fill the void. Give me something else to think about other than myself. I’ve started doing volunteer work and that helps a bit too. I think. But sometimes, it all still feels quite pointless. Everything. If I don’t over think it I am okay though, so I should do that more. Not be so heavy and in my head. Be present, enjoy the sunshine and the daily interactions I do have. I’ll try. And I know exercise helps. And meditation. And journalling. So I should try and do all those things.

This week I’ve been feeling really sad about my parents. I feel pretty shit right now, I think because I had a cigarette and a second coffee after lunch. Weirdly, I hardly smoked in my teens and twenties, mostly when I have been drunk, but over the past year I’ve taken it up more wholeheartedly, which feels strange as I’ve just turned 30 and aren’t you meant to have sorted a lot of shit out like that by 30. Maybe I’ll try and stop now, and stop that second coffee. Switch to tea or lemon water instead. I think I have them to fill a void. My mini afternoon existential angst when I wonder what am I doing with my life and am I happy. And I berate myself for not achieving enough.

 

Underneath it, I don’t know what enough would be. I would like to learn to feel I am enough right now. Meditation does help with that, and repeating it to myself. I am enough.

 

Where does it come from. I guess my Dad was super successful and values a day based on what you have achieved. He had to be like that though to get where he was but being a child of that I guess I put a lot of pressure on myself over the years. I don’t know if anything would be enough though, so if I can learn to be enough right now, and do things out of interest from that point, that would be good.

 

I’ve decided that my aim for the next while is to be happy and authentic in my own skin. Not try and appear a certain way, but be myself, or learn who myself is, and not be afraid to have a different opinion or say no. I want to look in the mirror and feel grateful for my body and happy with who I am. At the moment I have a lot of self loathing and it is pretty sad.. I do love myself though I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

 

What really matters at the end of the day? Being a good person with those around you and having small, positive impacts on the world. So I will work in my job to do that, do what lights me up and be happy and positive. Maybe once my anxiety is underwraps and I feel stronger I will expand my purpose out in a bigger way, but for now, I need to focus on myself and my immediate environment.

 

I’m going to try and not feel so sad about mum and dad. I don’t need their validation. What would it actually mean for me? I need to feel validated by myself and myself alone. I am enough right now. Yes it is sad I don’t speak to them really, but I have the space to surround myself with people who light me up and support me and that is pretty great. Also, underneath it all I know they love me and they know I love them so the details I don’t need to worry about. Of course I will feel sad, but my gut tells me I am still doing the right thing with my life.

I feel sick.

 

I left work in a rush. Came home, via changing the Christmas lights extension set I accidentally bought instead of a Christmas lights starter kit (with wall plug). I thought about getting a falafel wrap but the shop looked busy so I decided to go to the supermarket quickly instead. I bought a caramelised onion dip , fresh spinach and an m&ms chocolate bar. I took the lift to my flat on the top floor, dumped my stuff and quickly ate the chocolate bar, dipping 2 pieces in peanut butter. I added the lights to the already decorated Christmas tree, getting slightly flustered as they were tangled and it is hard to decorate a tree which already had baubles on. I slowed down half way through and started to enjoy circling the tree and rearranging the lights to sit behind the baubles.

 

Not hungry but restless I decided to have dinner. I microwaved 3 frozen falafels and had them with the dip (which I won’t be buying again), spinach leaves, some toast, olive oil and parmesan. I ate quickly in front of a Ben Stiller film about a father who is questioning his life choices as his son is going off to University. Half way through I defrosted a blueberry muffin and ate it with more peanut butter and some cooking chocolate drops which melted slightly on the warm muffin. Near the end I pause the film to go outside for a cigarette which hurt my throat and made me feel a bit sick, especially on top of the muffin which I didn’t need. I come back inside and finish the film and then open my laptop and start writing this.

 

What am I running from? What am I hiding from behind food? Cigarettes? Myself I think. The quiet. Whilst I had my cigarette I looked over the ledge from my flat. If I jumped would this be high enough? I think about googling it but decide not too. It’s a thought I’ve had recently. Even though I recently moved into this flat which I love and I met a girl who I love and am very happy with.

 

Why do I feel like this then? Because I never feel enough. I feel like I am failing. I feel disgusted by my lack of control around food. I feel like my job, whilst fun and relaxed, is easy and pointless and a waste of time. I work as a marketing manager and I write healthy recipes for the (food) company and take pictures of them.

 

I listen to podcasts, like Oprah, on finding your calling and the meaning of life. I don’t know what mine is. Do I have one? I like cooking and learning about photography, but not overly. Sometimes I think I’d like to write, hence this. Mostly I feel like I don’t care about anything enough and so what is the point.

 

What is the point if I am gay and don’t want kids. Kids give your life meaning but I’m not bothered. My partner is amazing and deserves someone happier. Sometimes I am happy though, when we are together, when I’m hiking or lost in an activity. But when I have time to be in my head I often hate myself.

 

I’m a small size 8 – 10 but I hate my body. I hate my belly, often bloated from sugar, caffeine and anxiety. I’m slim but I wear loose clothes because I don’t like my figure and I don’t want anyone to see my stomach. If I wear jeans where I can feel my stomach it makes me feel sick. I want to hide away and not see anyone.

 

What’s happened to me? I don’t really know. My mum is vain as is my Dad but I can’t blame them for my self-loathing anymore. I need to take responsibility for myself, and my thoughts. Meditation helps and journaling I think and walking and running. I should do all those things more. But when I’m feeling pointless I can’t find the energy.

 

I know my parents don’t understand me or like me living in Australia and dating a girl. Especially Mum. We were so close, I wanted them to be proud of me and now they don’t call and when they do it is awkward. I can’t forget some of the nasty things she has said about my choices. Deep down I have this feeling that she isn’t good for me to have in my life. She makes me feel bad about myself and I don’t need more of that. But she’s my mum and I love her. It makes me sad to speak to her but anxious when I do. I don’t know what the solution is. And it has been so much change in 2 years. It hasn’t sunk in for me yet. I’m grieving for my parents who are still alive. It’s fucked.

 

What next then. My psych helps. When I told him I was feeling suicidal 2 weeks ago he told me to do 2 small things. Open up to people and show my vulnerability and do things that I enjoy. I told my girlfriend and a few close friends I have been feeling low, and I booked a massage and bought some nice Aesop stuff. It did help a little bit actually but I do feel slightly like a burden.

 

We then tried to unpack it. I said I felt like I had no purpose. Before, I was unhappy, but I knew why so I made changes. I left a relationship, closed my business down, moved abroad and started dating girls. All changes that I felt were important and true to me. But now I’m here, in a nice job, with a girlfriend I love, in a city which suits me, but that low feeling has returned. That lack of energy and feeling of pointlessness. I think we got to the core of it though. My father was hugely successful and I put myself under a lot of pressure to do something independently of that, for myself, and to make him proud. I always felt so lucky, like a brat. But really, I am happy doing a bit less, with time to read, relax, see friends and do nothing with Lottie. But there is a conflict between this inner relaxed, quieter self and the striving do do do er. If I could just remember that I am actually fine and happy and living a life which is true to me, perhaps I could relax.

 

I feel like I need to help people, as I’ve had it easy and I genuinely want to. But I can do that in small ways every day, by being present with my colleagues and friends. I can do volunteer work on the side if I want but I don’t need to put myself under so much pressure. I can breathe, and relax a little.

 

I need to learn to enjoy being on my own again, not scared of myself. Sit here, in the quiet, read, or just relax, not always fill my head with noise. Be, in the gaps. I’ll tidy the kitchen now, use my new aesop stuff and do a little meditation. I think writing this has helped a bit.