As a person I don’t tend to hold on to ill feelings and I assume the best in other people although I am critical of myself.
It is funny for me now though, as I have realised that my aspects of my childhood weren’t as rosy as I remember and I’m feeling anger and bitterness for the first time. I felt I was so lucky and I couldn’t complain as I grew up with two parents and we always did nice things. But, I can see now that the relationship I had with my Mum wasn’t always perfect. We were more like friends, she over confided in me and inadvertently turned me against my brother and father who caused her problems. I was always on team Mum and I think our closeness, which lacked a parent – child separation led me to act how she might want me to act over the years. Now I am being more authentic to myself and she doesn’t like that and has turned on me. I can suddenly see that my memory of growing up isn’t quite what I had always assumed.
As well as the sadness of our deteriorating relationship, I feel sad for the lack of relationship I have had with my brother and father over the years and I feel sad for myself as a child who was taken in and influenced so greatly by my mum.
I want to try and let go of this sadness, bitterness and anger which I have found and focus on the now and the future. Reach out and build my relationships with my brother and father and re define my relationship with my mother. I don’t want to shut her out as she tried her best, it definitely wasn’t all bad and is a fragile human like all of us at the end of the day.
I will strive to accept the past both positive and negative, not dwell on these feelings but not shut them either.