So I think this is one of my biggest challenges at the moment which is holding me back in life. I feel like I have made some big fundamental progress in terms of getting to a good place with my Mum and leading a more authentic life in Australia and even feeling more confident about my ability at work and in dating (men and women). Massive, massive steps compared to a few years ago when I was deeply unhappy and still living in my head, but I still find myself getting really anxious sometimes often in casual social situations such as coffee shops or with new people. It is like I go into a trance and feel like people are looking at me and judging me and I start judging myself and feeling like I don’t look very nice and that I stand out or that I am some sort of fraud. When I really look at people I can see that it is in my head. Everyone is preoccupied with their own lives and even if they are looking at you it is usually in a nice way and if not, does it matter what a stranger thinks?
I do know that. But I need to try and move past this day by day. Knowing it is silly feeling like this doesn’t change how it feels and just adds a sense of judgement which isn’t positive. Instead of believing people are looking at me and I don’t look nice I am going to try and channel the energy that:
I am fit, strong and able and more than that a kind person.
Looks aren’t important to me in other people so don’t be so hard on yourself. Even if you don’t look great, that is just a tiny percent of who you are.
It doesn’t matter what a stranger thinks of me. You know you’re a good, kind person.
No one is looking, but offer compassion to that part of me that thinks they are and smile.
Drop back. Think about your breathe going in and out of your nostrils or the sensation of feeling/movement in your hands and feet. Speak and act from that place in presence, your heart, rather than believing the internal dialogue in your head and shutting off.
Give yourself a break, it has been a big few years and this stuff with Mum is quite upsetting, as is coming to terms with who you really are, accepting your bisexuality and living in a new country. It is natural you might feel a bit anxious don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s okay to admit to yourself that you are struggling sometimes and give yourself a break. Catch up with a friend, have a hot chocolate or watch a movie and chill, you’re doing great 🙂 Don’t ignore the feelings and shut off.
Learning how to comfort myself like this has been big for me as I have felt I have lost that sort of support from my parents and after splitting up with my ex I have at times felt quite alone. I do turn to friends and I am a lot more willing to do that and be open now, but I have found it important to be able to turn to and trust in myself too. When I do that, I feel I am able to be strong and happy anywhere, but it isn’t always easy and I do doubt myself sometimes.
Just saw this and made me lol so thought I would add it in…